so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
