My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
