I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
