she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
