We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
