i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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