I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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