I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
