and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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