Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
