Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
