The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
