i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
