I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
