I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
