i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
