I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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