The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
you made out with another girl for some wings
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
its liver damage thursday
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
