mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
