I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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