Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
