How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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