Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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