My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
