I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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