I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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