yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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