I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You are a genius and a whore.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
