Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize