Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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