Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
