she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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