I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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