Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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