Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
