this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
