??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Dear god my vagina.
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