You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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