I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
