You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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