Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
