They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
