He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
