My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
