Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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