is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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