That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
