someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
