I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
