'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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