I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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