and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I am naked and annoyed.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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