3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i was born a porn star she said
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
