Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
