You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
