I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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