things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
