I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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