woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
bring money and cleavage
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
